7.31.2011

The Central Market and Me.

Adam and i have been working on our budget tonight and I am now adequately fired up to relay my annoyance at a little place called Central Market. Yes, you heard me. Central Market, I say. Whaaaaa? I love Central Market, you may reply. Well, yes. I had heard you say that about forty bahundred times and that's why I went today.

Whaaaa? You'd never been to Central Market before?
No. I hadn't. Moving on.

So, Adam and I had heard all about this Central Market. So, instead of hitting up our regular grocery store nearby, we loaded up the boys and journeyed to the Central Market.

Along with eleventy billion other people. We had to park in the next zip code, people. This is ridiculous.

So, after hiking across a sun-scorched desert, we made our way into the Central Market. Here we are! And here you are, America. Elbowing your way through the produce section. Because that's where we all were...funneled into the produce section like a bunch of carp, flailing about trying to grab the last head of romaine lettuce before we are made into canned tuna.

You must all make your way through the produce section before you are admitted entry into the MEATS! Yes, the meats. Where lines of people wait for their precious number to be called so that they can grab a pound of meat. Nay, not meat. Cows...that were fed sweet corn. Not just any sweet corn! No. Organic sweet corn. These cows were spoon-fed organic sweet corn while a little old lady sang lullabies to them. These cows were nestled into 100% organic cotton blankets, made in Peru. These cows were brushed with hemp leaves and fed peeled grapes. And now you must wait in line to eat their meat, America! A long line.

After you get your special magic meat in the special butcher (no, butcher is too harsh. I call him a ministerial assistant to the circle of life), you are funneled into the wines. Ah, row after row of wine and special fancy beers and fancy breads, too! At this point, I was whining to Adam. This is too much, I said. Too much. Suddenly, a Central Market employee appeared to my left. From whence did she come? Who knows! But there she suddenly was, beside me. Making sure that I was finding everything okay. Suspicious. Was she was dispatched to deal with the dissatisfied customer? If I had made a scene would she have taken me to the back where they keep the happy cows? I dared not to make a scene nor utter a complaint.

After the beer/wine/bread, we are funneled into the aisles of the grocery store. This should sound familiar, no? Well, it SHOULD. But it is far from familiar. There are like, maybe four aisles. Listen, people. If you are looking to fulfill your shopping needs for a family of four, do not go to the Central Market. Because you'll be looking for the Honey Nut Cheerios and the Central Market will not carry those. Instead they will have delicious O's of Barley and Soy or some other nonsense.

Overall, I was in a foul mood. I mean, I would definitely enjoy your beloved Central Market on a date night with my husband. The prepared foods look delicious and you can buy all kinds of fancy cheese and exotic tofurkeys and the produce is nice. But if you have prepared a weekly menu of super fancy food for your family using wholesome ingredients like one can of Rotel and Craisins or one can of cream of mushroom soup, then you should just go to a regular old grocery store.

I spent more than I had budgeted and I left without all my needed items purchased. So, someone bring me M&M's to give Henry when he tee-tees or poops on the potty and I might feel better about the Central Market. Because, the Central Market does not carry M&M's. No, they carry Wholesome Kernels of Organic Cocoa-Covered Black Beans.

21 comments:

Colleen said...

hahahahaha...that's all I can say. I have never been there either because it is just too far from my house, but I KNOW I would echo your sentiments had I been there. I feel the same way about IKEA. You cracked me up! You are a great writer!

Lauren said...

You don't know me, but we have mutual friends. I'm emerging from the blog-stalking shadows to tell you that post was golden! Huh-larious!

Kate said...

There are people out there that live without CM???? That blows my mind!

Brian said...

Oh my word, I was ROLLING LAUGHING reading this!!! What did I buy the time I went to CM? A baguette and grape-leaf-wrapped goat cheese. Perfectly practical for family shopping no?

Please write a book. seriously.

Chelsey said...

Ahh, I miss CM :) Although feeding your family from CM will cost you your first born! I only shopped at CM for produce until I joined a co-op in FW or if I needed a really fancy item :)

Funny story {well not really} I went to CM the day before thanksgiving once- totally spacing- WORST IDEA EVER!

The Allen Family said...

Ha, you are so funny!! We had the same experience at our organic food store last week. Josh thought we needed to start going there for everything until he saw the bill for the 10 items we found there. He told me to go back to HEB!! I sure do miss Wegmans!!!!

Lora said...

DID YOU GO ON A WEEKEND????? YOU ARE NUTS!!!I've been to the one in BR---they've done a GREAT marketing job of convincing all the organic/natural fabric look alikes that THEY are the one. Go where the REAL people shop---forget that nonsense! You can buy ORGANIC at Super One in Ruston!

Tiffany said...

This post is so funny, and even though we don't have a CM near us I know what they are and as a mom I can TOTALLY relate! I hear ya, sister! :)

Lora said...

By the way, "Would you jump off a cliff because everyone else was doing it?" A voice from your past.

Sarah Lynne said...

Hahahahahahaha!

C and G said...

This is too funny! Went to Central Market recently, and remembered why I only go there like once a year! Gives me an anxiety attack plus all the things you mentioned...

Erin Ortuzar said...

HAHAHAHAHA! I love this post. Stick to WalMart and you'll stick to budget, honey.

Bethany said...

haven't had the best grocery shopping experiences either friend, I miss Wegmans.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I moved out of Erie a few years ago, and while at first I thought I was excited about the new fancy grocery stores, I ALWAYS spent way too much and fair warning DO NOT go there the day before Thanksgiving b/c I was once there for THREE hours. I also miss Wegmans. The value and quality there are unsurpassed.

Anonymous said...

oh dear...i am having a panic attack for you!! spend time wandering the aisels of anthropoligie and i think you will feel more fufilled!! i try to avoid the grocery store/walmart until we are eating boullion for dinner and paper towels for toilet paper!!

ann

Gabe said...

Awesome...

brown eyed blogg said...

so so so so funny. everyone wants to act so cool....but really we want the can of rotel. for cheap!

Deb said...

LOL! Hahaaa Just read this outloud and even Jim was laughing. (You need to go professional!)

Deb said...

LOL! Read this outloud and even Jim was laughing. (Proof you should go professional!)

Linda said...

Your blog post is hysterical!! I am so NOT on the CM band wagon. And it is decidedly, NOT a grocery store. If you can't buy regular Adam's Extract vanilla, only $20.00 pure Mexican vanilla, you cannot call yourself a grocery store. Every time I go there, I come out annoyed and swear I'll never go back.

MrsOgg said...

Thanks for making me laugh AGAIN. I personally felt the same way about Erie COunty Farms. It was just too much hassle for my schedule and esp. now with an impatient toddler! I just do Aldi's and Sam's Club...saves me time and $$. Of course I still have to make a monthly trip to Wegmans for certain items but, right now Annabel and I just dont' have the patience to wander through a regular grocery store.